Raw wRITEin
From Reply to Restack to Post
Why do you wake up? Obligation aside I’m not sure I would cause truly I’m tired! In response to the amazing @TheMediocreBlackWoman recent post.
Timing of your last few writings has been… as always impeccable.
4:21 AM
I LITERALLY just woke up from what I call a reoccurring NIGHTMARE. either the second or third time having it. I didn’t choose this wake up time nor have I in the past few weeks/months. I’m drained and I’m not sure people ever really understand how much so. Sharing before the dream fades from me again.
I drove my family, kids & mom, to a far off spot in my dream land of Brooklyn to scuba dive (IK where TF is that in BK idk lol) I had walked up ventin and cussin about my day. When we go in to get our gear the instructor says to me he didn’t like my attitude or mouth and refused me service. I thought he was joking and I gave it back. He took it and then when to help others. I was flabbergasted went to get the shit that I drove/paid/cried for and then they called 5-0 on me. I just sat in the back silently crying. My mind and body disassociating in this moment. Watching myself I see I always cry in silence never out LOUD, feeling boxed in, always feeling like I’m betraying myself. The rage in me that always has to be bottled ‘n controlled and never seen is to much. WAKE UP
Dream Analysis
Not just a motha, but always one at the same time. These last few days I’ve just been waking up in survival for the protection of my babies in a multitude of ways. I fall asleep by force and wake up as if the alarms I set for Alexa and Siri are down imbedded in my 🧠 . Really it hasn’t been days it’s been a lifetime.
Im a beautifully 🍫 exceptional AA woman whos life is spent caring for my loved ones deeper than the trenches of the ocean and wider than the expanse of our universe. Daughter/wife/mother/educator. Only in the last 2 years have I started to spend time caring for myself and even that I get wrong most days. Hair, nails, clothing always fall by the wayside when times get tough. Working on my voice and making choices for my self without the feeling of guilt. Why did/didn’t I say that or this. UGH.
The days where I speak up for myself are always dwarfing the days where I stayed silent and just endured. I’m tired of enduring. When’s my chance to just live and enjoy life without repercussions, deadlines, fear? When is my time to live my life out loud and with joy? I know that asking is not the way it must be taken unapologetically.
Why did I wake up?
Fear, pain, habit, spirit. I watched myself continue to not get my way in this dream. I felt myself through the astral planes full of the weight of self disappointment in my every decision of life. I felt the stream of tears on my face, real, salty. And I remembered that a babies 🦶🏽 was in my face and I not in the mood to wake her. And now I’m quietly writing again in the other office, the bathroom 🥹.
This black girl doesn’t dream expansion at night. I’ve had so many nightmares, and many of them reoccurring, up until 20 that I got a big ass dream catcher tattooed on my side. Rest is a funny thing, something we need to function, used as a channel to communicate to ancestors, to replenishes energy. It’s deemed medically necessary but taken so un-seriously.
Resting Towards
One day I’ll wake up and not feel the heavy weight of the world in my chest and jaw line. I wonder if one day I’ll wake up with a big as smile with the sun glowing, no obligations, no agenda. I wonder on which plane that will be, because this one feels fucked 99.9% of the time.
That’s all for now. If you read this unedited unfiltered thank you. If it resonates I would love to hear why. Thank you
Empress Iman, you mentioned my timing and yours is also impeccable. I was just thinking about you yesterday and here you are today. First of all this was raw and I love how you expressed yourself. It hit home.